When the noises in our head get loud, and the story we are telling ourselves is complex to sit with, this is the moment we get to make a choice. We can choose to run or choose to stay. And what I mean by run is letting the narrative go down the rabbit hole. Or we can instead choose to focus on our breath and stay where we are. So when the thoughts come (and they always do), we can say, “Stay.” We can also use the word “Thinking.” Whatever works will help me return to the present and not worry about the outcomes in the future.
When someone demonstrates harmful behavior, a compelling observation is to say, “That person must really be hurting inside.” I am shocked when people confide in me what is happening, and when I say this to them, it is like a light bulb pops. All of a sudden, they feel seen. It is hard to live with those who are suffering. And it is hard for those who are suffering. There is no easy answer to this. But the fact that we are seen makes the journey much better.
When we know what is happening, we can see the suffering everywhere that we all suffer. It looks different for everyone, everywhere. Some of us suffer more. And sometimes, when we are in our heads, we can become isolated from this suffering. The first step to breaking this pattern is acknowledging that you are not alone. You are not the only one who has experienced this feeling. We call this the human condition. Because all humans have suffered loss, sadness, isolation, grief, loneliness, anxiety…It is also what can connect us. Somehow, acknowledging this fact opens us up. All of a sudden, we don’t feel so alone.
We are so averse to pain and suffering that we avoid it like the plague. But the opposite of this behavior is an addiction. We gravitate and hold on so tight to pleasure, worried that this is the last time we will ever feel good. We are addicted to pleasure like any other drug. Drugs, sex, fried food, social media…and when this is used as an escape to avoid seeing things as they are, we are not fully embracing the human experience. This isn’t an assault on pleasure. (I love it!) Pleasure is an integral part of being human. But it is also temporary. And as a culture, we have become stuck by falling into this trap that the key to a good life is continuously being happy. That just isn’t possible. There is so much more to what life can teach us.
The more attached we become to specific outcomes, the higher our expectations becomes. This is why expectations are the killer of joy. The answer to this is to not be attached to anything. But that, of course, is not possible. A parent becomes attached to a child at birth. And that is why when that bond breaks, it hurts. The stronger that bond, the harder it hurts.
So, do we live a life of attachment or not?
This is what I’ll say: Learning to accept things as they are, when to let go is an incredible skill to hone in this life.
Before the Renaissance, it was understood that genius was a separate Muse that came to us.
So when the art was good, the genius was acknowledged as part of the work. You didn’t get full credit, but you also didn’t have to be ashamed of the work falling short.
But that has all changed now.
And we don’t give credit for inspiration in a world where everyone is branded.
The problem in a hyper-charged individualistic culture is that we are not very good at acknowledging others when we are focused on our own journey of self-actualization. The line then we can draw is somewhere between the space of the individual and the group.
No one goes through adversity thinking, “Wow, I would sure like to repeat that again.”
Yet, the lessons learn can carry throughout your life.
What’s difficult then is to not make things a big deal every time something “bad” happens. We just don’t know what’s good or bad for us. What will be learned. What course correction it makes.
What we can count on is that humans are adverse to change. We can’t stand it. And change is the constant.
We get so wrapped up in our own stories and narratives that we forget that others have felt the same way we do.
Everyone has felt loss, grief, loneliness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, depression, sadness, anxiety, pain, suffering…
You are not alone. The bravest thing we can do is to acknowledge this fact.
What we find detestable is what we define as less than human.
The culture pushes us to optimize everything.
As a result, we become aware of how we “spend” our time.
Leisure is no longer leisure.
If our brains are always turned on, then it becomes wrong to ever turn them off, which has a negative effect on us.
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